Words from the Unloved Child: Reflection (Break down)
“ Words from the Unloved Child is a series I am starting to explore the healing journey of my inner child and Shadow self. A means of expression that I am forcing myself to deliver. I was raised believing vulnerability was a weakness, yet as I am building myself back up I have come to the realization that it is one of my biggest strengths. My mother always told me “ You have my heart, but not my strength”.
I believe my heart is the keeper of my strength and the protector of my being. This series is coming from the parts of me that still need to open up and understand what I've been through. I struggle with accepting the fact that I was abused and neglected as a child. It's hard to speak on the topic, but I'm hoping through this project it will allow me to find my voice and come to terms with my inner world.
~“She's been avoiding mirrors. Afraid to see the glimpse of you within her reflection, See the lies she hides behind leak from her eyes”
Growing up with parents that have not healed from their own pain can be a traumatizing start to life. For so long I felt the need to hold onto the pain of my mother. I made it my responsibility to withstand her abuse and harmful words. I excused her because I understood I had to work harder after my father left. It had to be hard raising Four kids all alone. I learned to make myself smaller, learned to mold and shape myself into what was needed from me.
Denying myself the right to breathe, to truly see myself. I started my healing journey almost two years ago and within that time I have learned that my reflection had never been my own. The little voice within the darkest parts of my mind was not my own. It whispered words to me that shaped my subconscious.
“ You will never be good enough”
“ You fat cow”
“ You whore”
You hear these words and they shape you. You wonder when you start and the voice ends. I avoided mirrors during my first year away from my family. Something that surprised me when I thought back on that time. One of my favorite self-love exercises starting when I was young was talking to myself in the mirror. It was how I learned to understand the words I needed to say. The year I cut off my family is the year I refused to look in the mirror, afraid I would see her and break.
~ “ Have to scream the words she begged to whisper. She was a rejected reflection, an abandoned shadow. Who craved a loveless touch”
I had never felt the hollowness I felt the day I walked out on my family believing that was truly the last time I would ever see any of them. I still keep away even now, as I have learned that in order for me to grow I need to be set free of the restraints and depressive energy that is wrapped around my family line. The next morning all I could do was drink.
I drank and I sang little songs to myself. I believed I would never stop crying. I kept asking my wife how life could be so cruel. To place me in a home with a father that abandoned me and a Mother that I wonder if she ever loved me the way she loves my brothers. What a cruel reality to be disowned for setting boundaries. For trying to express me. I was angry and bitter for a while.
I held on to the anger. Without it, I would crumble. Run back to empty arms just because I found comfort in the darkness. With my rose-colored glasses, my world was so warm. I lived in an imaginary bubble, that made it be if I was smarter, better they would love me. But a girl could only take so much, and I didn't want to hurt anymore.
~ “ It kept her from dying, kept her in denial. She still weeps father, she still weeps mother”
As children, it is easy to trick ourselves. Believe we are safe because our parents would never hurt us. I didn't know I was being abused, till I began to speak to others about my childhood. I had a conversation recently with one of my best friends. We have been friends since we were around 13-14, I am now almost 24. I asked her about what I used to tell her when I would disappear for the summers. When I wouldn't contact her. She said I told her at the time that I was doing a Social media cleanse, that's why I didn't talk to anyone during the summer.
I was shocked. I truly didn't know how much of a liar I was to others and myself. I had to tell her what happened and it left us both crying. Here I was 10 years later telling my best friend who was my best friend at the time of me living with my mom, what I was going through at that time, especially during Highschool. It made me realize how much I buried the truth from even myself. I cry sometimes for the pain that little me had to go through by herself with no guidance or help.
Within my healing journey so far I have learned to rethink my idea of control and power.
I believed for a while that showcasing I was hurt by the situation made me weak and would mean that she had won. I started to harden my heart and detached myself from anything and everything that I was. I couldn't figure out how much of myself was truly me. Til one day I ran across a photo of myself and my mother. It must have been a holiday, possibly Christmas. I was on my mother's knee I could be no more than two with the same face I have now. I was in a cute little red dress with a smile on my face, and there was my mom.
As beautiful as ever in her own red dress with her hair done pretty. Her makeup was done to the nines, but her smile didn't reach her eyes. Her smile never reaches her eyes. I realized I never want to give up on life. I never want to lose my spark, my inner joy. My inner child had to come out, loud and proud with no fear. I am growing and learning to lean toward my inner light. I'm learning to embrace my hurt and hold myself when I cry. Surrounding myself with loving arms and smiling people.
I've started talking to trees, skipping. Collecting rocks has become a hobby that brings me great joy. I'm learning to love my energy and
the flow of my spirit. I realized that they may have hurt me but here I am glowing. Brightly shinning. I refuse to allow my soul to harden. My children will have an active loving mother, who sees them for the little humans they are.